There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)-Chapter 46 - 45. Where Paths Are Laid

"I...must have been more exhausted than I thought..."

Zein blinked at his dorm room’s ceiling, before staring at the clock that indicated breakfast had passed without his participation. Thanks to that, even though his stomach grumbled, his body felt refreshed.

He had worried that he wouldn’t be able to sleep soundly in the Unit’s regular, hard mattress after spending two weeks laying in Mortix’s bed, but turned out, once he laid his head on the pillow, he went straight to deep sleep, even though he usually slept the latest and woke the earliest.

"No one woke me?" he grumbled, and got up with a yawn. Staring at the SavAsh jacket draped over the bedside cabinet, Zein rummaged through the inner pocket to fish out an energy bar—what was left of the sustenance Bassena left him that night.

Haa...even though he woke up feeling refreshed, his mind still felt like a swirling mess.

Him sleeping late due to exhaustion was a remnant of their union; the guiding, the breach of his own principle. He spent a long time thinking about it—about why he could be swayed so hard, so easily. For seventeen years he maintained his stance, and it shattered in just under two weeks.

It was scary.

Attachment was a scary thing. It was the seed of imprint; a deadly blessing, a beautiful curse.

Zein hated imprinting. His mother was imprinted by an esper—there was not a shred of love between them, merely a convenience. But the esper died, and his mother went into spiraling despair, so much that she was willing to be married to a wicked man like the twin’s father. To this day, Zein had no idea whether he was the son of that nameless esper or that sorry excuse of a man that sold him off to a rogue guild.

But he knew he hated the idea of imprinting. No—he was scared of it. And so he was scared of catching the seed.

That attachment Bassena blatantly showed him.

But the scary thing about attachment was that it was inevitable. Zein didn’t even find it in himself to run away. The more he indulged Bassena’s longing for him, the more Zein realized; ah, I was getting pulled along.

He was scared.

Zein buried his face inside his palm. It was scary, losing his mind and reason. Losing himself. Inside that sea of darkness, Zein was drowning. No—

"I’m still drowning,"

The heartbeat that refused to calm down every time he thought about that moment was overwhelming.

’But it wasn’t anything romantic,’

It would be better if it was. But Zein knew himself—he wasn’t ready for anything like that. He wasn’t brave enough. His heart wouldn’t allow for something that tender to manifest.

For having something precious meant the inevitable moment of losing them.

He gripped his necklace tightly.

The attachment between him and Bassena Vaski was something born out of the wickedness of nature. A dependency. Something like an itch that became uncomfortable if it went untreated, but wouldn’t pose any danger even if they didn’t get rid of it.

—I don’t care

Zein pressed his lips as the image of those firm amber eyes flashed in his mind. Bassena had said it so firmly, so surely, that Zein had no chance to rebuke.

—I don’t mind even if it’s just an effect of the circumstances

How? How could he say that when he too, had experienced such loss and betrayal? Was he not scared of how feeble this kind of attachment was?

Zein had been inwardly agonizing over this every time he saw the affection within those amber eyes. He tried to fight and deny it and yet, at the same time, he longed for it.

And it was what made him even more scared.

Sighing uncharacteristically, Zein slumped back into the mattress, staring at the dark ceiling.

Darkness. It reminded him of Bassena.

"...fuck," Zein gritted his teeth. "It’ll probably go away with time," he muttered, even as his guide’s heart protested.

"Zeeen!!" just in time, a lively voice came barging into the room, and the petite figure of Yath jumped into Zein’s laying body. "Hmm? Why are you frowning?"

"What is it?" Zein narrowed his eyes. See, attachment really was a scary thing. This little guide straddling him right now still looked cute, but Zein no longer felt sexually attracted to him. Hmm...yeah, just like Han Shin, this one just seemed like a little brother now.

Yath squinted his eyes, no doubt pursing his lips behind the mask. "You’ve been away for two weeks, can’t I just miss you?"

"I have nothing to give you,"

The little guide gasped, clutching his heart as if Zein just hurting his feeling. "How cold! Why? Now that you met someone you liked you don’t need me anymore?"

Zein was about to get up, but paused and blinked at that. Yath’s eyes curled mischievously as he leaned forward and hovered above Zein’s face. "I saw you yesterday, you know~" he propped himself above Zein’s chest, giggling. "You definitely treat Bassena Vaski differently."

"Ugh—" Zein leaned back into the mattress again.

"What is this? What is this? Did you sleep with him or something?"

Zein didn’t answer, just turning his head and closing his eyes, sighing in exasperation. He wasn’t mentally prepared to deal with this.

"Huh?? It’s true? You? Sleeping with an esper?!" Yath shook Zein’s shoulder, green eyes blown wide in shock. And then he paused, and leaned down, face hovering above Zein with a serious expression. "He...wasn’t forcing you or anything, right?"

"No,"

It would be better if he was, Zein thought. Then he would have a real reason to avoid the man. And his heart, as well as his Guide’s soul, wouldn’t be this confused. Then he shouldn’t have to agonize over the clash between his instinct and his rationality.

As of now, he couldn’t even decide whether he wanted to accept Mortix’s offer or not.

"Really?" Yath let out an even more astonished face, before his eyes shone with sudden excitement. "Then...how was it?"

Zein narrowed his eyes at the younger man’s whisper. "That’s not—"

"Aah tell me! Tell me tell me tell me!"

"I won’t tell you even if you’re throwing tantrum," Zein sighed, sinking his head back into the pillow and turning to face the wall.

Yath jumped down from atop Zein and stood with hands on his hips. "Hmph! Fine, you don’t have to tell me. I already know you liked it," he spoke with so much confidence that Zein couldn’t help but looked at him.

"You don’t even—"

"I know~" Yath bent his upper body, a wide grin on his face as he flicked Zein’s ear. "Your ears are red, you know. They only turned like that when you feel rea~lly good."

Zein widened his eyes, clearly oblivious about that part of him. It was true that when Yath asked him about it, his mind was replaying the event on its own, and it seemed like his body couldn’t help but responded to it.

In an attempt to hide his embarrassment, Zein got up and climbed out of the bed, walking toward the wash basin. "So, are you coming here just for this?" he asked, unintentionally spiky, and made the petite guide grin even wider.

After all, when else would he witness Zein becoming flustered like this?

"Nope,"

Zein splashed his face with water and stared at Yath through the mirror with a raised brow. "Then?"

"The Captain is looking for you,"

* * *

Climbing the stairs to the Captain’s office, Zein wondered what it was the man wanted to talk to him. He already gave a brief report with Ron yesterday, and since the expedition itself was a secret, no written account needed to be made.

Zein paused briefly in front of the office door. There was one thing the Captain might need to talk to him about separately; his contract. The Captain might receive a more thorough report from Ron, including how Mortix and Trinity actively and persistently asked for him to join them.

With a deep inhale, he knocked and opened the office door. "You called for me?"

The owner of the room was busy rummaging through his cabinet, but he addressed Zein briefly with his chin. "Mm, close the door."

Agni pointed to the coffee machine in the corner, and Zein walked there. Seeing that there was actually no coffee there, Zein took it upon himself to brew a new batch.

"I didn’t see you in the mess hall. You’ve eaten yet?"

Zein stared at new packages of coffee grind in three different types with a raised brow—no doubt coming from the generous provision from Mortix’s truck yesterday. "I got energy bars," he answered while taking one with the same brand they used during the expedition.

"Hah! So luxurious!" the Captain let out a laugh while taking out a folder from deep within the cabinet, and throwing it onto the desk. "And here I am struggling to keep the fort without my two champion staff..."

"You’re the one who sent me," Zein threw a nonchalant response to the Captain and the coffee to the machine.

"Wiseass," the Captain chuckled and slammed himself to the chair. "That’s right. I’m the one who sent you. But you’re the one who agreed to it."

"Mmm," Zein didn’t refute that. He didn’t really care about the money, but the equipment that came with it sure sealed the deal.

Agni tapped on his armrest, watching Zein observing the coffee dripping down into the pot with a calm gaze. "But you seem to like it quite a lot," he baited, remembering the friendly atmosphere during the farewell yesterday. To think he could witness Zein taking time to say goodbye instead of slipping away like usual once the business was done...the Captain was quite amused, honestly. "Those scientists were practically glued to you during that farewell."

"They just need my...expertise," Zein shrugged, eyes still fixed on the dripping coffee. Ron might tell the Captain about how eager they were to recruit him, but the contract bound the scout to never spill things about the shard.

"Right..." the tapping on the armrest continued, and the Captain’s casual tone turned serious. "And I supposed they offer you big things to continue with that...expertise of yours?"

Zein didn’t answer, since it was obvious anyway. A matter about recruitment was not a rare occurrence for Zein, and he knew the Captain wouldn’t call him just for a simple question like that. So he just took a cup and poured himself a coffee.

When he walked to the desk, Agni was looking at him with a subtle smile—the smile he always had before starting an important conversation. Zein sat on the chair across the desk and sipped on the coffee calmly after retracting his mask.

"Zen," the tapping stopped, and Zein lifted his gaze from the steaming cup to the Captain’s eyes. "Would you like to go?"

Zein stared into the Captain’s eyes. They were usually fiery on the battlefield, but right now, they were strangely deep. Like a calm, deep, hidden sea.

It wasn’t a question that Zein anticipated. The Captain was a stingy person when it came to personnel. Since every person was important to maintain the border, he would never let them desert the stations or breach their contract—a trait that rubbed on Ron, apparently. So Zein had thought the Captain would remind him of it and tell him to stay here.

But what was that question?

Zein replied carefully, with a confused look. "I still have my contract here."

"But do you want to go?" the Captain pressed, although his tone remain calm and casual.

Zein shrugged. "That’s remained to be seen,"

"If I absolve your contract now," the Captain leaned back, head tilted slightly, fingers tapping on a folder laying on his desk. "Would you go?"

"Do you want me to—"

Zein paused when the Captain started to chuckle. Agni leaned back and stared at the ceiling, lips stretched out into a wide, amused smile. "Zen," the Captain tilted his head more, eyes staring straight at the blue orbs. "This is not like you."

The looked on Zein’s face now was a rare one. It was no longer the nonchalant face he always sported, as his brow knitted into a frown that contained confusion as well as annoyance.

"You’re usually so resolute, so firm, so clear with your option," Agni smiled deeply, pleased with the shifting of emotions inside those beautiful blue eyes. "Now, you’re making excuses instead of simply saying ’I had no intention to go’,"

Zein put his cup down, but didn’t retract his grip from the handle. Staring at the swirling liquid, he pressed his lips in contemplation. He felt it was a bit unfair to be confronted while he wasn’t wearing his mask—it felt harder to hide his emotion without it.

"So?" the Captain asked again.

Zein lifted his face; the frown had gone from his face, replaced by a calm, almost cold mask.

The Captain scoffed and swept his fairy hair once, before crossing his arms and speaking clearly. "I want you to go."

That went in the direction Zein didn’t expect. "...you’re expelling me?"

Agni raised his brow and open his mouth to laugh, but Zein added with a cold, sharp frown. "Or is it the money—no, the equipment talking? Did they tell you to pack me out?"

This time, the Captain did laugh. "Pfft—ha ha ha...Do you see me as someone like that?" eyes blown wide, he leaned forward with a wide grin. "Do you think they can pressure me? Me? As if there’s anything worse they can do to me?"

Zein blinked, staring at the Captain’s manic eyes and suddenly felt ashamed. Yeah...Agni was someone who was sent to the borderland as a punishment for going against the system. Just like him, the man had nothing left in this world that others could use against him.

"Zen, you know my situation, don’t you?" wordlessly, Zein gave affirmation with his eyes, and the Captain continued. "People who stay here either had no choice like me, or lunatics."

"You’re kind of both," Zein shrugged.

"Yeah, I know," Agni let out a hearty chuckle, before pointing at Zein. "And you’re neither of them."

Zein came here on his own, not as an exile from some organization, not a criminal serving punishment, and did not act crazy enough to be considered a psycho. A bit suicidal, maybe, but not in a manic sense.

"You know why I let you stay here, doing all kinds of dangerous things on the field?" Agni leaned back again. "Because you seemed lost, and you were trying to look for an answer."

Zein made no response, and just stared at the older man, listening quietly.

"You know...people who come here..." Agni turned his head and looked outside his office’s window, which showed the inner courtyard of the Unit’s fort. "Most of them came from the safer zone. Why? Because people who already lived their life in a hell hole, wouldn’t want to jump into another hellhole,"

He turned his face back to Zein, fingers pointing into his own eyes. "So when they arrived here, their eyes filled with despair. Because they already experience the good things life can give them, and they had to say farewell to those things," he smiled, and then added with a shrug. "Gradually, the despair turn to numbness, as they acclimated themselves to their fate. Some even found their own brand of happiness here."

Zein turned his eyes toward the window, watching the other guides, espers, and staff walking about their daily task. He knew what the Captain talked about—those eyes...they were a familiar view for him.

"But you..." Zein shifted his gaze back to the Captain’s voice. "When you come here, you’re already numb. It’s like you’ve experienced this kind of life for a long, long time already,"

Zein stared at the Captain nonchalantly. Numbly, as the man said. "It’s like..." Agni sighed, and shook his head slightly. "Like you had no idea how to enjoy life anymore."

"So...you want me to enjoy life?" Zein tilted his head.

"Sure! Why not?" the Captain stood up, a wide, rather wild grin on his face. He pointed out of the window while staring sharply at the guide. "Go out there, and see what makes the newbies feel how despairing this place is."

Zein stared blankly at the Captain. He let go of the cup that he’d been holding tightly before, feeling something tickling his back; the feeling of something being lifted off his mind. ƒrēewebnoѵёl.cσm

Ah. It was the fog that had been covering his decision-making abilities.

"You don’t even need to go to Mortix or Trinity. You can just try to roam the world. If you don’t feel like it’s for you, then..." Agni walked back to the desk and sat there, looking down at the guide with fingers resting on top of the folder. "Just come back here and rot together with me."

Zein raised his brow, a small smile playing on his lips. "I thought it was Ron’s privilege to babysit you here,"

The Captain laughed, his wild eyes turned soft for a few seconds, and Zein used the time to look inside himself. "Someone...said something similar to me, not long ago."

Agni tapped on the folder, lips stretched into a smirk as he observe the soft ripple on the blue eyes. "Zen, I told you that your eyes looked numb before right?" when Zein lifted his face to stare at him, the Captain added. "Yesterday, I saw it shifted, don’t you know?"

The blue eyes blinked twice, before they settled into a deep, serene lake. A subtle smile played on the guide’s lips and Agni laughed out loud. "Pfft...hahaha—so you know!"

Zein looked down, at his other hand which had been unconsciously fiddling with the dagger strapped to his thigh. Yes—he knew the answer all along. He was just in so much doubt and denial that he needed someone else to give him a reason to move. Because taking that first step was as equally scary as an attachment.

But he needed to do that—not for someone else, but for himself; to free himself from the curse of his existence, to find more about his identity, to find out what he really wanted to do with his life.

He had to face the scary things he’d love to run away from, but in the end, if he really had no intention to go, as Agni said, he would immediately say ’I don’t want to go’ instead of looking for an anchor.

What he needed wasn’t an anchor, though, but waves.

"Then what are you doing here making excuses, Zen?" the Captain picked up the folder and threw it onto the guide’s lap. Zein looked at the small label on the corner of the folder—dismissal notice.

"Don’t go rotting like stale water in a place like this, when you haven’t even flowed properly."