There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL)-Chapter 44 - 43. Where the Journey End

When Zein came out of the shower, the tent was already vacant. There was a trace of someone tidying it up, an old sheet heaped in the corner, and a new one already being placed—a little crooked, but still decent. New shirt laid down atop the bed, along with his neatly folded jacket.

He could see two bottles of water on top of the bedside cabinet, alongside some energy bars that espers usually used for provisions inside the dungeons.

Zein stared at everything in silence, standing still for a while before walking listlessly into the bed, chucking his old, dirty shirt and donning the new one. He slumped into the bed after, drained.

He shouldn’t have moved around after emptying his mental energy like that, but he really needed to be alone and drowned in the sound of water, digging himself back out of the deep sea of darkness.

How ironic. He was brimming with so much magic energy he could probably take down a high-class mob beast on his own. But no matter how much mana he had, it could do nothing to his empty mental energy reserve.

This was why burnout was the biggest enemy of guides.

With the last drop of willpower that he had, Zein grabbed the water bottle and the energy bars. In his state, these two were better than a full-course meal, since he doubt he could chew or digest things properly.

Seemed like Bassena had a decent understanding of a guide’s burnout at least, and made a proper follow-up. Well, seeing how big his capacity was, the esper probably drained a lot of guides throughout his career.

Bassena...

Zein stared at his commlink; a string of messages from the esper was already there, waiting for him to open it.

[I’m sorry]

Zein stared at the hovering screen, laying on his stomach with his cheek pressed against the fresh sheet, eyes reading the lines.

[It seems like you want me to leave you alone, so I will, for now]

[I hope you have a good rest]

Well, he was true about that; Zein did want to be left alone. Perhaps this was his punishment, since he wanted to run away from his messy thought through that sex. And now he was left with even messier thoughts.

The only good news was that he felt so mentally exhausted he might just pass out from the burnout.

Still, he tried to read the rest of the message.

[I know you’re angry, and I would like to apologize properly later]

[so, please allow me to do it]

[I want to talk, so...]

[please don’t avoid me later]

[please]

[I’m sorry]

Zein blinked at the rows of messages. Somehow, he could picture Bassena typing it with a frown and bitten lips, anxiety plastered on his face. But...

Was he angry?

Zein turned his body, laying on his back and stared at the ceiling. It was the first time he had a whole tent for himself during the trip, and it allowed him to think about various things, although he desperately didn’t want to.

So, was he angry?

Zein tried to remember what kind of emotional state he was in. He hadn’t experienced burnout since he was fourteen, and it was overwhelming.

He was pissed that he allow it to happen. He despised the fact that he lost control, and that he let Bassena continue even though he had enough magic energy to kick and punched a five-star esper at least twice.

He loathed the fact that he had lost to his guide’s primal instinct.

And losing to this instinct, despite his decade-long effort to subdue it, meant that the attachment had taken root too deep—deeper than he thought. Deeper than he initially allowed it to be.

It was still vivid in his mind, even as he felt hazy about anything else, the sheer thrill and pleasure building from the rush, from getting swept by the whirlpool and drowning to the bottom of the sea.

And he still remembered it, the way Bassena frowned and scrunched his face as the esper, like him, failed to control his urge. The way the man looked at him apologetically, eyes blazing with both guilt and desire.

If only...

If only Bassena had tried to defend himself, acting like he couldn’t help it and that Zein just had to accept it...

If only Bassena had acted like those entitled espers who pursued him in the past.

Like it was Zein’s duty to serve him.

Then Zein would be able to scorn him easily, to loathe him, and see him as nothing more than those awful, power-drunk espers.

And it would be so much easier to curb this growing attachment that taking roots deeper like a core fragment.

As it was, Zein couldn’t do that.

He looked at the ceiling, fingers wrapped around the beads of his necklace and closed his eyes. No, wasn’t angry.

He was scared.

* * *

"Are you crazy?!" Han Shin hissed in a subdued voice. He almost couldn’t hold his voice as his hand clutched the measurement device.

The device was blinking a blank screen. White. Zero. A clean slate.

He glared at Bassena, who was looking down with both hands propping his head. If the man wasn’t looking so miserable, Han Shin would have already scolded him some more.

"If this happened in the middle—"

"It happened because this is the last day," Bassena replied in a dejected voice. In fact, he’d been talking in a depressed tone for a while, ever since he came back from who knows where.

The problem was he came back alone, eyes sharp and looking all healthy, yet with a troubling expression and an anxious gaze. Han Shin had dragged him away from the others since the man looked suspiciously well and unwell at the same time, and pulled out a measurement device because he thought Bassena was in a high level of corrosion.

But what was projected on the device screen was the complete opposite.

Bassena was completely clean, with no speck of corrosion inside his system, as if he had never touched a miasma once in his life.

It was then that Han Shin realized what transpired during the hour of Bassena’s and Zein’s disappearance. But, shouldn’t this smitten simp come back happily then? With an annoying, smug smirk on his face?

But why was he coming back like someone who just getting jilted in the altar by their one true love?

And why was Zein still not present?

And then it occurred to him that to be able to bring someone with Bassena’s capacity into a clean slate, there should be a price to pay. And a high one.

A burnout.

"Are you trying to kill someone in the middle of a mission?!" he stomped his foot to the ground. "I thought you were just going to flirt with him? Not to incapacitate him?!"

Bassena gritted his teeth. He didn’t even have any excuse for what transpired earlier. Of course, burnout wasn’t exactly a deadly occurrence for guides. It was like mana deficiency for espers, which wasn’t preferable and could make them really sick, but people wouldn’t die for it.

Still, just like any illness, it wasn’t something anyone would willingly want to experience unless they were paid to do so—guiding to the maximum of one’s capacity. Certainly, it wasn’t something one would like to experience in a place like the Deathzone.

"You did it with consent, right?"

Bassena snapped at that. "Of course we did! Are you crazy?!"

"Damn, I’m just making sure, all right?" Han Shin started feeling agitated too. "At least it wasn’t a violation of the contract..."

"Fuck—that’s not the problem!"

They were close to yelling at this point, so both espers stopped talking altogether. Han Shin took a seat across from Bassena, watching the other esper bury his face inside his palm and sigh heavily.

"...you think he’ll hate you for this?"

"There’s nothing I could do even if he does..."

They might only interact with Zein for two weeks, but it was enough to know what the guide’s stance was on this kind of thing. Initially, Zein didn’t even have any thought of providing anything more than hand-to-hand guiding. They knew the guide had bitter experiences with assault, and had a harsh view of espers.

What transpired between him and Bassena was something personal. Something he only did with the Saint-class esper. And Bassena remembered what the guide said when they made the pact;

—let’s see if you can control yourself

Bassena sighed into his hands. He had undeniably, unirrevocably, failed.

And Zein was visibly pissed earlier. That coldness...the distant feeling that made him feel like these two weeks of effort going drown the drain.

Bassena was okay with that—even if Zein revert their relationship back to a stranger, he could just chase the man again.

But what if Zein told him to never appear before the guide ever again?

The sheer possibility of it left Bassena writhing in anguish. It scared him so, the probability of Zein never wanting to talk to him ever again—

*ding*

His comlink made a soft sound then, and Bassena opened the notification in a haste. When he read the content, which only showed him a single word, he almost cried in relief.

[okay]

* * *

Zein had no idea what kind of excuse Bassena gave to the others to explain his absence from the camp, but no one came looking for him. There was no message in his commlink other than the one Bassena sent him in the morning, asking about his condition—not even from the fussy Han Shin.

But he saw Bassena near the entrance of the room, sitting on a desk he pulled out from the corner, as he exited the tent. There were water and sandwiches beside the esper, no doubt it was for Zein.

"Ah..." Bassena looked up, staring at Zein with what the guide could only describe as a helpless expression. For such an imposing, revered Saint-class esper to be looking like a puppy that seemed to be scared of being abandoned was...

Zein sighed inwardly. Yeah...how could he get angry in front of that face?

"Your body—are you well enough to move?" Bassena walked toward him—not the usual confident stride, but restrained and filled with anxiety.

"I won’t be able to come out if I don’t," Zein answered casually. He commended the fact that Bassena waited outside patiently rather than entering the tent, so he didn’t want to make things awkward even further.

He could see Bassena paused for a bit, and then, like a blooming flower, the downcast face brightened. The esper probably had prepared himself to face a cold response, or even a harsh one.

"Are you well enough to eat?" the change was also apparent in his tone; instead of a downcast puppy afraid of abandonment, he now looked like a puppy being given a treat.

Even though all Zein did was just speak casually.

"Mm," Zein walked toward the desk and the meals there. "This is for me, right?"

He asked that, but since it was pretty obvious, he just went ahead and sat on the desk, picked on a sandwich, and ate them. He could see a small smile and a sigh of relief from Bassena, before the esper turned to decompress the tent.

Zein had finished his first sandwich when Bassena returned, leaning against the wall while waiting for the guide to finish his meal. It was apparent that the esper was contemplating the right time to start a conversation, so Zein gave him leeway.

"What did you tell the others?"

Bassena seemed to be startled since Zein spoke first, but he answered immediately. "That you’re still recuperating from connecting with the shard. You looked quite in a shock yesterday, so they didn’t doubt it, but..."

"But?" Zein paused from biting into his sandwich, tilting his head to stare at the guilty-looking puppy.

"Shin found out, since he suddenly measured my corrosion level," the amber eyes dimmed, and Zein could see that scared, downcast puppy inside the esper again. "I’m sorry..."

Wordlessly, Zein continued to eat the sandwich in his hand while contemplating. In the first place, they didn’t make any agreement about keeping it a secret. And Zein had an inkling Ron already knew anyway, since the scout watched them leaving the center room yesterday.

"In any case, the others had no idea?"

"I don’t think so—" Bassena blinked and stopped suddenly, then slumped in the ground, head buried inside the crook of his elbow. "Haa...fuck, I’m sorry, I must have sounded like a bastard trying to hide my wrongdoing..."

How many times had this esper apologized to him? Zein couldn’t even remember what kind of impression he had of Bassena the first—second—time they met. But he had a feeling that the man used to look like one of those arrogant espers who thought the world revolved around them. Surely not like this man who was practically kneeling in front of him, that had been saying sorry since last night.

"But I don’t know if you’d want anyone to find out, so—"

"It’s fine, I’m not mad," Zein cut the esper short after swallowing his last bite. "I’m not accusing you either, so just stop."

Admittedly, it was cute seeing Bassena bumbling in unsurety, but it made Zein uncomfortable to see the esper like this when he himself wasn’t that angry, to begin with.

Yes, he was quite pissed last night, but dragging that kind of emotion further just felt petty for Zein. And a good uninterrupted sleep already made him feel better.

Bassena looked up at the guide and proceed to get up, carefully walking over toward the desk. Zein didn’t tell him to stop or fuck off, and greeted his eyes with those calm gaze.

"Zein, about last night..." he paused for a bit, looking at any sign of disapproval from Zein, but the guide said nothing and just looked at him silently. "I’m truly sorry. It’s inexcusable—I should be able to control myself more."

Bassena had thought if making excuses, that it was normal to lose control within that kind of situation, that he had tried to stop but his body wouldn’t listen. But that was just empty excuses—it happened because there was a part of him that wanted to let loose, a part of him that wanted to devour the guide.

—you should not run away from yourself, dear, even if it’s a part you hated

Yes, he shouldn’t excuse himself by denying that part of him existed, just like his mother told him. So he would not make any excuses or defend himself, even if Zein would distance himself from him. Yes, it didn’t matter, he just needed to crawl his way back.

"So I got it if you come to...dislike me," still, it was quite hard for him to admit it. "Just, please don’t let it affect your view toward Trinity and Mortix."

"Because they need me?" Zein tilted his head, those blue eyes felt like they were wrecking Bassena’s soul.

"Yeah, I know I’m shameless, but...yeah," the esper swiped his hair nervously. It was the first time in a while that he felt cold sweat on his person. "...sorry."

Zein looked at the empty bottle of water in his hands and crumpled it. "I got it," he watched the amber eyes flicker with many emotions—relief? Regret? Shame? "But you have to be careful next time,"

"...huh?"

"Unlike me, other guides weren’t as sturdy," Zein got down from the desk and started to walk out. "Some of them also have active wombs, so, make sure not to come inside."

Bassena paused in his track. There were a lot of things he wanted to say; that he knew that already, that he didn’t have sexual guiding that much. But everything went down as he realized the implication of that words.

Other guides.

Zein was telling him that he wouldn’t do it again. Telling Bassena that he should look for other guides should he require such service.

Again, it was an ache that felt worse than a blatant rejection.

* * *

"Alright...be careful," the researchers hold their breath as they carefully put the shard inside a highest-grade containment tube that Mortix had prepared.

Immediately, as if experiencing a power outage, the light was gone, and they were surrounded by darkness again. The only source of light was the slightly glowing shard with its light bounced back inside the tube. But the moment it was stored inside the dimensional bag, everything felt like the ordinary, old scary Deathzone.

"Sierra," Bassena commanded at once, as the air slowly being filled with creeping miasma.

They huddled around the sharpshooter, a shimmering shield surrounding them. Sierra silently mumbled her incantation, and a complex formation formed beneath their feet. The air was getting pressured with magic energy, and after a nauseous ten seconds later, they gasped in the dim light of the jungle periphery.

Squinting their eyes at the sudden lack of darkness, they saw the mighty Mortix van not far away, as the borderland Captain greeted them with a smile.

"Welcome back, explorers."