ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!-Chapter 107: Squatting Sage ( )

"Anyway... Ridan—" Hazuki started.

"Haaah... this idiot..." Ridan groaned. "Why do you keep talking out loud? You can just speak to me in your mind!"

"Like telepathy? Like hell I can do that!" Hazuki huffed.

Ridan’s spirit flickered with annoyance. "If you keep talking like this in public, they’re going to think you’re crazy, you know that!?"

Hazuki shrugged. "Hmm? I’ve already been called that. Way before I met you."

"...Huh?"

"Yeah. The moment I arrived in this world, guess what they labeled me?" Hazuki gave a thumbs-up. "Crazy guy."

Hazuki smirked. "So I don’t care. Let them stare."

Ridan sighed again. "I ended up sealed for a thousand years... and somehow still got stuck with the weirdest human alive."

"Hey," Hazuki grinned, casually strolling down the road, "at least you’re lucky to have someone to talk to, right?"

There was a pause.

"...Oh... that’s true," Ridan admitted, his tone softening for a brief moment. "I was sealed in that cave for so long, all alone. No voices, no light... nothing."

Hazuki smiled. "See? Now you got me."

"Fine, fine. Whatever..." Ridan muttered, slipping back into his usual sarcasm. "I don’t care if people call you crazy anymore."

"Oho~ That’s good," Hazuki smirked. "Because if you really wanna know, back in the human kingdom’s capital city? They gave me more nicknames than just ’crazy guy.’"

"...More?"

Hazuki proudly puffed his chest. "Yup. One of ’em was... ’Shitman.’"

Ridan went silent.

"...Shitman?"

"Yup."

"...Do I even want to know why?" Ridan asked, his curiosity piqued.

Hazuki looked off into the distance with a dark expression. "No."

"...Now I kinda do."

"No. You really don’t."

"Fine, keep your secrets, Shitman."

"Pervert spirit!" Hazuki snapped.

"Crazy guy!" Ridan shot back.

"Whatever..." Hazuki shrugged, walking like nothing happened—completely ignoring the wide-eyed pedestrians now inching away from him.

Then Hazuki’s eyes lit up. "Oh! That’s a good stall there. Yo, old man!"

"Er... w-welcome... customer..." the vendor stammered.

Hazuki squinted. "W-what’s with the stutter?" he mocked with a grin.

The vendor hesitated. "Umm... It’s just... I saw you talking... alone..."

"Oh?" Hazuki placed a hand proudly on his chest. "Well, I’m special! I can talk to spirits!"

"...Really?" the vendor blinked.

"Yes!" Hazuki nodded seriously. "ALL kinds of spirits! I’m what you call a Spirit Whisperer."

Ridan was groaning behind Hazuki.

"Umm... okay..." the vendor coughed awkwardly. "So... what can I get you?"

"You sell hot drinks, right? Give me coffee. With milk. And honey. Lots of honey."

"That’ll be 3 copper coins for a glass."

Hazuki opened his pouch, rummaged inside, and pulled out the exact amount. "Here. And make it strong—I need something to drown out the voice in my sword."

The vendor just blinked slowly. "...O-okay... coming right up."

From his side, Ridan whispered, "You really enjoy tarnishing your own reputation, don’t you?"

"Like I care." Hazuki grinned as he took the coffee. "Live freely without worrying about what others say. Enjoy the freedom. Being yourself is the best thing in life."

Ridan scoffed from the sword. "Yeah, yeah... so much wisdom from an idiot like you."

Hazuki smirked. "Well, that just makes you an idiot too—since you’re stuck with me."

"Dumbass."

"Ah—thanks, old man," Hazuki waved to the vendor, then—like the absolute weirdo he was—squatted right on the cobblestone road, setting his bag beside him.

He cupped the warm coffee in both hands, lifted it to his lips, and took a long, dramatic sip.

"Aaaaahhhh...! After so long!! Finally, real coffee!"

Passersby watched him sit on the road like a homeless philosopher, sipping coffee and smiling as if he had just achieved nirvana.

"...Mommy, that weird uncle is squatting again."

"Shh! Don’t look, honey."

From a distance, a group of halfling kids huddled behind a barrel, watching the strange human sitting on the road like some wild sage.

"Is he really just... squatting there?"

"He’s sipping that drink like it’s a magic potion!"

"Look! He’s doing it again—!"

"Ahhhh!!" Hazuki exaggerated, taking another dramatic sip.

From the sword at his hip, Ridan’s voice snapped with sheer irritation. "OI!! Stop making weird noises!! You sound like some thirsty pervert in a sauna!!"

"What!!!?" Hazuki barked back. "I’m enjoying my drink here! Let me have my moment!"

"Your moment is disturbing every child within five meters!"

Behind the barrel, the kids whispered.

"Mom says never talk to weird uncles..."

"Yeah... but he’s kinda funny."

One brave kid raised his hand. "Should we... ask him for a story?"

"NO!" the others whispered in unison.

Meanwhile, Hazuki took another long, theatrical sip and exhaled with the satisfaction of a man who had just conquered the world.

"Ridan," he said, eyes half-lidded in joy. "This coffee... is my treasure."

"I’m going to throw myself in a well," Ridan muttered.

Hazuki smirked. "Oh? You need help finding a well? How about I help you find the deepest one, and then you can throw yourself in with style?"

"Don’t you dare!!" Ridan shrieked from the sword.

"Hahaha!" Hazuki laughed out loud, clearly having the time of his life. He took one last sip, let out a dramatic "Aaaaahhh~," then stood up and stretched.

He handed the empty glass back to the vendor. "Thanks, old man! Good stuff!"

The vendor just nodded slowly, unsure whether he should feel appreciated or concerned.

Hazuki picked up his bag, adjusted the sword on his back, and casually strolled forward—until his eyes landed on the group of halfling kids peeking at him from behind a cart.

He smiled.

Unintentionally.

But to the kids... it looked like a terrifying, predator-grade, serial killer-level grin.

"Ano... kiddo~" Hazuki waved, grinning wide. "Where’s the adventurer guild? Or a bank, maybe?"

The kids froze.

"...He’s talking to us."

"He’s smiling!!"

"R-Run!!!"

And just like that, the group screeched and bolted in every direction, screaming something about "crazy grinning uncle."

Hazuki stood there, blinking. "...Eh?"

Ridan’s dry voice followed. "Nice job, genius. You just scared the kids."

"...I was being polite!"

"With that face!? Polite!? Are you blind!?" Ridan barked.

"Huh!!?" Hazuki shot back. "Then what makes you think I’m scary, huh!?"

"Ugh..." Ridan went quiet. "...Damn it... I got nothing."

"Hah! Victory!" Hazuki smirked smugly.

He reached up, casually running a hand through his unkempt, messy black hair. "Well... maybe it’s the hair? I think it’s grown a bit long."

"Yeah," Ridan snorted. "You look like a guy who either just got out of bed or just got out of prison."

Hazuki nodded thoughtfully.

"Can we at least find someone who doesn’t run at the sight of your face?" Ridan muttered.

Hazuki started walking again, scanning for someone who looked brave—or bored—enough not to bolt.

"Maybe if I don’t smile this time..."

"Oh good. Let’s try neutral creepy instead of full creepy."

( End of Chapter )